What does it mean to be “happy”? The Domains of well-being and happiness is a great episode if you’ve every asked yourself, “Why am I not happy?” or if anyone has asked you, “What would make you happy?”. Some of us have forgotten the answer to this question for ourselves.
Dr. Jeffrey Jessum, and I discuss the nature of happiness after 40. Jeffrey E. Jessum is a clinical psychologist and long-time practitioner of Mindfulness Meditation. He received his Bachelor’s degree in psychology from UCLA and his Master’s and Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the California School of Psychology.
What is Happiness?
“Happiness is the relief after extreme tension.” ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
There are two definitions to this question. One definition is emotional happiness. This type of happiness is the pleasant sensations in the body that we experience, when we’re rewarded with something. We feel this type of happiness in childhood, when mommy gives us a cookie, for being a good boy.
The second definition is the domains of well-being. Dr. Jessum says there are four domains of well-being. The first is our relationship to ourselves. It’s the subjective way in which we see the world. The second domain is how we see others.
Dr. Jessum talks a lot in this podcast about the third domain. This is all about our physical health, and vitality. Jeffrey models this aspect well in his personal life. He is very physically active and is a long time advocate of meditation. Exercising outdoors instead of at the gym, always improves my own mood. Try it! In my opinion, this aspect of well-being and happiness is the one that is easiest to understand for most people. Many have a hard time communicating with others, but everyone can understand why a hike in the mountains can make you happy.
The fourth is our understanding of the physical environment around us. This one can be a tough one for some. Living or working in a dangerous environment, can be a contributing factor, to potential unhappiness. Children growing up in a broken home, where violence is an almost daily occurrence, contributes to their unhappiness. Although, even a poor environment may not effect some people. We’re all wired a little differently from one another.
Can you learn to be happy?
“We don’t even ask happiness, just a little less pain.” ~ Charles Bukowski
Some men, over 40, have forgotten what it means to be happy, because we spend so much of our time trying to make others feel happy. Our bosses, wives, and children always come first. When is there time for us. Dr. Jessum and I discuss this as well. It’s more than possible to be happy. It’s essential!
Working with a coach or therapist is a good way to get a handle on your own personal domains of well-being and happiness. Dr. Jessum’s website has a lot of tips for you to check into on the topic. You can contact him at the website, if you want to work with him. You can always contact me here with any and all questions or comments.
Keywords; domains of well-being, coaching happiness, well-being healthy care, integral, integral psychotherapy, wellness, employee well-being, happiness, mental happiness
The Yes Man
This past weekend, I’d run into an old roommate, and his new fiance at a lounge. She bossed him around as she held court with her gal pals. The women cooed over the huge rock on her finger, yet nobody seemed to give notice of the groom to be, save for when his future wife needed a refill. “I’m lucky to have her”, he whispered, as not to speak over their animated conversation. Beneath his silent gratitude, I detected the quiet desperation that Thoreau wrote about. Sadly, his song would be buried along with his heart.
Did I feel sorry for him? Did I harbor disdain for her? Not in the least. He was 43 years old. Yes Man was walking in with both eyes open. He’d been married before. It ended poorly for all involved unfortunately.
The First Marriage
His ex and mother in law had browbeaten him into the marriage. They declared him perfect! He was well-mannered, stylish, and most importantly he followed her orders to a tee. She had it all planned right from the start.
He wanted to live downtown, but they bought a house in the Suburbs. He wanted to park his classic truck in the garage. She had it converted into a horse stable. They didn’t own a horse. After the stable was finished, she purchased the horse . She said, his old truck was too ugly to be parked in front of their perfect home. So he sold of his pride and joy and bought an appropriately soulless SUV. The entire place was gutted and retrofitted with new tile, flooring, fixtures, and of course let’s not forget Mr. Ed with all his grooming supplies. Her mother helped select the finest furnishings from the best shops. J Crew had nothing on this set up.
So what went wrong?
The cold hard version of truth is cash, or too much credit and not enough greenbacks. With the vast expanse of her broad imagination working overtime, she dialed her sights on a future of glossy magazine perfection. With one’s head in the clouds, it’s easy to lose sight of the bottom line and present obligations.
He, however, knew precisely what time it was. He’d whined to me about it several times. Why didn’t he say anything about his financial concerns or even stand up for himself and his own desires? The answer is even shorter and colder than money. Fear.
He trembled every time his mother in law would turn up unannounced to give marching orders. If his wife raised her voice he’d break eye contact and cast his eyes downward. His personal qualities the pair of women had declared as perfect were exceptional qualities for a dog, but truly shitty ones for a man.
The truth is my old roomy didn’t have a hair on his ass when it came to women. He once ran from our elderly land lady. We were having a laugh with some friends out in front of our apartment building. Apparently the noise was too much for the octogenarian. She emerged from her apartment howling with anger. He bolted away from her like she had a gun.
Speak Up and Be Clear
He was afraid to speak for himself in the marriage. He allowed himself to be dumped head long into a huge financial mess right from the start. Thankfully the bloodletting ended in about a year.
After his first divorce, he busted his butt trying to rebuild a life for himself. He spent several months sleeping on couches of mutual friends. Soon after, he filed bankruptcy. He worked hard and saved some money, and even found a new job. He was 7 years older, when he was done, and not much wiser.
Sadly, his desire to impress women with shiny objects and fawning attention seemed to have only increased with age. My guess is that he’d become desperate to find a suitable life partner. He put all of his efforts into impressing them and their friends with his agreeableness, and his lightning fast ability to pickup the tab.
In that time, he’d made no effort to evaluate, and build, his own sense of self-worth. He had financial credit, but no grounding understanding of his personal currency. He imagines that all value exists outside of himself. To live this way, is to live in fear – an emotional black hole. He and I had discussed many of these issues in the past. He didn’t care about any of it. It had always been about the smoke and mirrors.
In a way I felt sorry for the new fiance as she smugly basked in the attention of her girlfriends. Like so many career women she’d blue printed her future based on Cosmo’s idea of what life should be. She longed for the power player career, a devilish Prada wardrobe, the Architectural Digest pad, and the 2.5 kids. And no one will stand in her way of getting it.
Instead of a man with his own life path, and the balls to back it up, she carefully selects a pliable man who’ll easily bend to her every whim. She rapaciously hand-picked a guy who’ll support her not from a place of strength, but out of fear of her campaign of shock and awe if he doesn’t.
Eventually, she’ll realize the truth. She’s married to a boring spineless Stepford husband. This truth, will hit her like a ton of Louis Vuitton handbags, falling from the sky. Women loathe these men, but they rarely speak their true feelings in public. If she’s young enough she’ll get out, hopefully with some wisdom for the future. If she wakes up and believes that she’s too old, by society’s standard, to attract a new mate, she’ll likely stay in and have an affair every now and then to remind her that she’s still alive.
The misguided idea that with equality the sexes should become a homogeneous mix has met with terrible results. Whiny borderline effeminate men who desperately seek female approval are popping up by the millions. Hundreds of Pick Up gurus have set up shop, teaching those willing to shell out thousands of dollars, how to get laid. These marketers have dressed these sheep in ill-fitting wolf costumes. Some of the coaches are barely out of high school and have never actually had sex with a woman. What could a 20-year-old virgin teach a grown man about women? Nothing really. They’ve learned to parrot a dogma and do not understand why what they’re teaching actually works. No change takes place only more mindless parroting. Some of these men trick unsuspecting women at the local watering hole into bed before they figure out the sexual con game being played – once in a while.
The key to sexual attraction, is polarity. A woman loves a man with some swagger in his step. He knows his own mind. A man who stands up for himself, and speaks openly, without looking for the approval of others will always attract more female attention than a man who tells people what they want to hear lest he offend someone. This is the worse kind of disconnection. It’s a lie, told out of fear, in the hopes of being accepted.
Confidence and Trust
A good woman wants more than a yes man. She desires the man who has an abundance mentality. There are plenty of women in the world and he knows it. He won’t compromise himself by pretending to be something that he’s not. This especially goes for men in their 40’s and 50’s. For whatever reason, you find yourself back in the dating game at a particular age, never apologize for it. Own it! Many women find older men super sexy. If you express yourself with integrity, and take good care of yourself, it’s yours to lose. Women can see it. You’ll stand out as a man in a room full of boys. She can see that you’re connected to your heart, mind, and balls.
A man who can’t be pushed around, is trusted by women. He’s good for the relationship not because he blindly goes along with her agenda, but because he challenges her opinions and ideas. He keeps an eye on what’s best for them and their relationship. This man introduces her to his full life thus expanding hers. He maintains his integrity in all of his affairs and thus gains her respect. These relationships are fraught with polarization and sexual tension. It is not easy to be at the center of a relationship with two strong personalities. Some become very uncomfortable when they’re at their edge and withdraw. They cheat themselves and their partner of all the juice that is available.
What type of juice do I mean? I already mentioned the growth available to her. However when I think back on the most significant changes that happened in my own life they always coincided with a relationship with a compelling woman. Women have been the source of inspiration for countless achievements by men throughout history. We wouldn’t be here if Columbus hadn’t given Isabella a good turn. After which, she gave up the loot and the three ships. Sexual tension is the energetic source of life itself. A Tantra teacher once told me that sexual energy is the source of our power. I have come to believe this is true. Don’t run from it. Learn to sit with that tension. A good woman will always test a man. Her heady emotional state is the catalyst for growth. Bring her back down to Earth.
Living with intense sexual energy and tension in a relationship, at times, can be volatile. Many emotions can come up for you both. Some men will want to go back to their old “yes man” ways. In these intense moments, the desire to go along, to get along is strong. Remember this, if you break the tension you cut the juice.
Ground Control to Major Pleasure
Grounding her from her whirlwind of emotions is what she sometimes needs from you. It’s not uncommon for today’s woman to be earning more than many men. She doesn’t need your pay check. She needs your strength. One of the most powerful ways to soothe her is through sex. Pleasure is the prescription. Making the biggest female corporate raider quiver with desire, puts you in a special club, regardless of social status or career . Her orgasm is the great equalizer. If you’re too much in awe and are tentative around her you’ll never give her the experience she desires. At some point every woman wants a man who is capable of tearing her panties off, throwing her on the bed and gives her what she desires. You’ll never be that man if you put her on a high pedestal. It’s hard for a mere earthling to even reach that high much less whisper dirty words in her ear while you’re giving her what she so richly deserves.
Go for what I want in life. Make a few waves, and let the chips fall where they may. It feels good to ask for exactly what you want and desire without apology. Trust me on this. Remember, avoiding the discomfort of not being liked by everyone does not earn you any respect. The choice is available to you every morning you arise.
What this podcast is about:
Episode #5: Is your fantasy “weird”? Should you try it anyway?
This episode, we discuss sexual fantasies. Are they weird? Sick? Maybe they’re a personal manifestation, of an authentic sexual identity, waiting to be expressed. Sex Therapist Galen Fous discusses this and more.
The big changes such as, divorce, changing cities, or a relationship that is going cold, that drop into our lives like a dive bomber, can sometimes inspire us to make a change for the better. Sexual desires get distorted and repressed in our society. Something like a divorce can be the inspiration to seek out and explore those hidden desires from the shadows.
Transpersonal Psychologist, Galen Fous
Galen Fous is a Transpersonal Psychologist, sex researcher, a kink sex educator. For the past 17 years, Galen has been helping people express their sexuality in an honest healthy and shame free way. Galen advocates for honesty and transparency in expressing our desires, negotiating consent, and boundaries.
What You’ll Learn:
- What are sexual fantasies, and from where do they come?
- Is my fantasy “weird”?
- What if I’m actually pretty kinky? What next?
- How to introduce your fantasies and kinks to sex partners – new and longstanding.
- Avoiding an erotic mismatch.
- Finding a community, to play in, that supports you, and resources for education.
Take the personal erotic myth survey and receive Decoding Your Kink
In this episode, learn how to live and work abroad. We discuss if using your holiday time to investigate, and begin your dream of being a Digital Nomad is a smart use of your time, and why it might be cheaper, easier, and improve your quality of life to have location independence. How to investigate whether this lifestyle is for you, and how to get started and plan for the future. Sound good?
Luke Benjamin Thomas or as he’s known by friends and ninjas LBT, created his website ThatMarketingDude.com back in 2012 to help people get started with their online business. He teaches digital nomads how to take their businesses to the next level so they can continue traveling and kicking ass in online business.
What You’ll Learn in this Podcast
- The difference between a Digital Nomad, and a Location Independent person? Learn the differences between the two?
- Who should consider becoming a Digital Nomad, and who should consider Location Independence? Who should avoid them both?
- Why is it particularly good for people approaching 40 or over to consider this as an alternative to staying in a more traditional 9 to 5 structured work environment?
- What are the major benefits of opening a new chapter in life as a digital warrior or as a location independent person?
- What are the questions a person should ask themselves as they set out in this journey? Also are there particular issues that a person over 40 should pay attention to?
- How can a person with limited time to experiment and explore the possibilities of becoming a Digital Nomad can use their vacation time to answer these important questions.
- Tips for those who have the travel bug and want to explore becoming location independent or a digital nomad.
That Marketing Dude